"You're a pig, crow..."



Doctor Impostor's Resident Badass: Daniil Kharms (1905-1942)

These days, my brain is like mud. I have a tedious task before me with a looming deadline and it feels like the apocalypse is coming. When I read my work, the words and sentences on the page appear out of order no matter how I configure them. So it feels good to read fiction that intentionally plays with the very anxieties that plague me. Daniil Kharms is one such writer and in the state my mind’s in his stories make perfect sense to me.

The Four-Legged Crow
by Daniil Kharms

Once upon a time there lived a four-legged crow. Strictly speaking, it had five legs, but that’s not worth talking about.

One time the four-legged crow bought itself some coffee beans and thought, “So, I’ve bought coffee – now what do I do with it?”

Then, to make matter worse, a fox ran by. It spotted the crow and hollered to it. “Hey!” it yelled. “You, crow!”

And the crow yelled back at the fox:

“Crow yourself!”

And the fox yelled at the crow:

“You’re a pig, crow, that’s what you are!”

The crow was so insulted that it spilled the coffee. And the fox ran off. And the crow climbed down to the ground and went home on its four, or to be precise, on its five legs to its lousy house.

- February 13th, 1938. [Trans. with Eugene Ostashevsky and Simona Schneider]
Kharms, Daniil. Today I Wrote Nothing: the Selected Writings of Daniil Kharms. Trans. Matvei Yankelevich. New York: Overlook Duckworth, 2009.